Rumor Mill

Teeming with fresh ideas, the Flops will be rebranding this year with several new initiatives including a groundbreaking program where they “wear name tags and introduce themselves to each other” as well as rolling out their new cryptocurrency, Flopcoin, which can be used to barter for several flopcessities such as Skecher slip-ons, elastic band sweatpants, Zins, J6 Hostage NFT’s and of course, Liquid Death.

Also, similar to the Texas House Democrats, the Flops will be taking the severe measure of chartering a bus to leave the Commonwealth on the date of the Huff Cup to avoid another loss. “Chess move. The Lebbers can’t beat us if we don’t show up” said Captain Willy Lop. When asked if he was aware that it will just result in a forfeit, Willy stared blankly and replied, “Hadn’t thought of that. I’m thinking.”

In an effort to weed out nepobabies (i.e. Schleppers), pretenders and narcs, the Founders are taking the unusual, but necessary step to administer an aptitude test to establish that Stoker applicants demonstrate the requisite knowledge of Stoker history, its legends and of course, the Founders. The Stoker Aptitude Test (SAT) will require applicants to show an elementary grasp of Stoker history. Sample questions written by noted Stoker historian, D. W. Hinckle include:

Testing will be administered by Stoker legend, J. Phipps at Camden Catholic High School on the third Saturday in October. Any applicants whose helicopter parents try to bribe Mr. Phipps with P.J. Whelihan’s gift cards will automatically be disqualified but the gift cards will be accepted. However, generous donations to the Founders Fund will be considered. Flopcoin will not be accepted.

Stoker Legend, two-time champion and noted Hinckle (Daniel, not Toebe, aka the Hinckle everyone likes) antagonist Bop WILL make a return to the mountain after a brief layoff. Keep your girlfriends, wives, moms and grandmothers under surveillance. That is all.

Rain or shine on Stoker Saturday, festivities will begin with a Stoker parade down Main Street to celebrate the 30^th year of the Stoker. The route will begin at the Sweet Shoppe and end at the place that makes the passable breakfast sandwiches but doesn’t accept cash and has a random collection of books for sale out front. Floats will include: a remodel of the random car that crashed into the trees by the Lodge; the Bucknell Float (four douche bags playing pinochle on the bed of a truck); the Incel float (our college participants vaping in the back of a golf cart since none of them have licenses). Of course, similar to Santa ending the Macy’s Parade, the Founders will wrap up the parade in a replica of the gazebo/chateau with Jimmy Shan driving in the opposite direction holding directions from Gio.

Facing backlash and sensing an effort by Team Flop’s captain and disrespectful son-in-law to force him to step down from the Huff Cup, Stoker Legend Huff authorized his personal doctor to release his medical records and assessment of his mental capacity and stamina. Huff’s doctor, noted podiatrist, Bags, offered a glowing assessment of Huff’s cognitive abilities and general health. “Cognitively, I’ve seen worse. Most people’s body mass is 80% water. Huff’s is 40% vodka, which I like to kill germs. Physically, the guy stared death in the face and told him to get him a hard seltzer.” When challenged as to whether a podiatrist is qualified to render a neurological opinion, Bags replied that he has “won two Stokers, so…”

The Blade hates betting against human achievement but there is too much going on here. He’s in the U.S. last week, goes to Philly, goes to Missouri, goes back to Philly, goes back to England (vomit), leaves his clubs in the U.S. He won’t have Libby to resuscitate him this year. What does all of this mean? Take your brownie sundae money and bet it on over 84.

I love Bobby but the last time he broke 100 at the Stoker was when the English Patient won the Oscar for best picture. Is it the morning pinochle with his dud Bucknell buddies? Is he rattled by the constant trolling by the Stoker Twitter feed? Hard to say. What isn’t hard to say is “I’d like to cash my ticket on Ferraro over 100” when you go to the window at twilight on Saturday.

Quick question…WTF? 104, 102, 104, 108, 104, 108, 107, 107, 102, 105, 106, 106, 99, 101, 106, 103, 102. No these aren’t the readings from the fever ward at Scranton General, those are actual scores. At the Stoker. In the post-persimmon wood era. The only questions you have to ask yourself are “How much money do I have? How do I liquidate it and bet it all on the value meal parlay of Bannon and Ferraro over 100 for +250?”

The Blade doesn’t care about his 101 scoring average at the Stoker. Bags is a gamer with the touch of a surgeon and the charm of Hal Sutton.

Christopher Nolan takes risk with Oppenheimer sequel “Floppenheimer”, a short film about incompetent nuclear physicists who create a bomb that blows up their own city.

Stoker participants sad to hear that Stoker dud Gibbs is “recovering nicely” after extensive code red.

Phipps shocked to learn from Huff Cup teammates that he has adopted 10 more children and will have “college dropoffs” for the next decade.

Trump threatens to withhold Stoker funding unless Founders eliminate chansexual participation.

"Woker Classic" Ridiculed After Changes

Succumbing to pressure from coastal elites and to project a more progressive image, the Founders are making changes to some Stoker traditions to create a safe space for all participants. Gone are staples such as late night meatballs and post-round sausages (replaced by tofu meatballs), red solo cups (single use plastics replaced by hand troughs.)

A study commissioned by the Founders also found that Wiley emits more carbon dioxide than ten cattle. No solution has been formulated. Other awful changes include granting illegals a path to winning the Stoker (Channy.) The Founders also implemented a DEI initiative to have the Stoker demographics consist of less than 95% white Irish by 2050. Finally, the bedwetting contingent (which primarily consists of the Bucknell crew with the exception of Stoker legend Ferraro), are now referred to as being "toilet insecure."

Flops Unite With Saudis to Start Rebel Invitational

In a surprise to no one, the Flops have formed an alliance with the Saudi government to start a rebel invitational to compete with the Stoker. Speaking about the natural alliance during a joint press conference with Willy Lop, Mohammed Bin Salman expressed reservations but applauded Lop for his problem solving ability. "Listen, are the Flops are a bunch of scary mother effers to get involved with? Yes. Their record in the Huff Cup is horrible and they have made more people disappear that Houdini. We have a horrible human rights record but it's child's play compared to the Flops. But this is a once in a lifetime opportunity to challenge the Stoker."

A testy Lop answered questions from the left wing Stoker media about both the past and recent spate of disappearances of team members. Transcript below:

Q: What happened to Partridge? Where did he go?

A: He got Flopitis.

Q: You mean phlebitis?

A: Yeah, that's the one.

Q: Are you a doctor?

A: Are you a cop? Next question.

Q: What about B Man?

A: He's missing the Huff Cup for work. Flops don't take days off.

Q: Aren't you taking a day off to play in the Huff Cup?

A: Are you a doosh? Next question.

Q: Ernie Graham?

A: January 6th. He was the Qanon Shaman and sentenced to two years. Out of my hands. He'll be out next August if he can get his handicap down to single digits from what I hear.

Q: Danny Kim?

A: He's still away on a tour with Doctors Without Borders.

Q: He works in finance. Is he a doctor?

A: Are you a cop?

The inaugural Flop Classic will take place next fall and will feature a 48 player field in a shotgun format where all players tee off on the same hole but different tee boxes.

Big Balls Bags Downloads on Stoker Pretenders

After two straight Stoker wins, the King of the Stoker offered some insight into the chances of the purported "best to never win the Stoker" for the upcoming classic. Bags on Mark, Jr. "decent game. I like the swing but I don't love it. I'm not in the business of giving away free advice. If he wants me to help him out, he can fake a foot injury and pay my fee. I'll toss him a bone." On Holden V. "hits it way too flush and gets too many birdies and pars. That's not how you win Stokers. Stokers are won by throwing up a birdie and following that up with a quad knowing that your partner's got your back. Stokers are also won by crushing a six pack by the turn. Last I saw, junior is still slurping soda." On Jason V. "he needs to let go of the anger. I call him 'Vindictiviatis.'" On the Boppers "guys are on the right track. Love the swings, love the attitudes and they know how to put up big numbers which is the hard part. Easy part is mixing in a couple more birdies and they'll be drinking from the cup."

Pathetic Phipps Turns to Snip for Competitive Advantage

In light of his recent title drought and after his request to play from the green tees was denied, Phipps is moving forward with gender reassignment surgery and to get red tee rights. "Worked for Maggie and I need an edge." When asked if he had reservations about making a permanent change for a short term advantage, Phipps conceded that he experienced some anxiety. "I asked my doctor if I could bring a friend to accompany me and whether I could bring Meat. The doc said 'yes, of course, your meat is coming off, you should definitely bring it.' That confused me. I then said asked him about Spike. The Doc said 'meat, spike, whatever you want to call it. Don't worry, it's coming off. You're losing three inches but you're gaining over 100 yards on the filed on every par 4!"

Men's Cottage Marks End of Era

Four perennial Lodge guests whose names can't be disclosed for HIPPA reasons will be forfeiting the upstairs right bedroom for more adult accommodations. What is driving the change? You guessed it monkeypox quarantine.

Marty the Blade Handicaps Stoker

Bags to threepeat (+400)

It's not gambling if you know what's going to happen. The King has the secret sauce and is on autopilot at this point.

Phipps under 90 (+400)

Will Phipps put up a 110 at the Huff Cup? Probably, but Phipps will put up a number on Saturday that will have Hinckle asking more questions than a suspicious spouse.

Any Vintiadis to win the Stoker (+600)

Let's face it. This is a bet on Holden. Great value here.

Frank Shanahan over 95 (+700)

Let's be Frank. Actually, let's not so people will actually like us. Let's face it, I don't like him. You don't like him. Let's cheer for this together and win some money while we're at it.

Stoker Social Calendar

Friday Night: Trivia night at the Barn starts at 8 p.m. Come watch the Boppers high five each other after using their phones to answer questions.

Saturday Morning: 10 a.m. Watch Chan play Pinochle while his dud Bucknell buddies pretend to laugh at his stale jokes.

Saturday Evening: 10 p.m. Public school will compete in the boat race with their traditional two fewer contestants because their math skills are commensurate with the price of their education. 10:30 p.m. King Bags takes annual Champions' nap on Lodge couch. 10:45 p.m. Annual Mandatory Stoker Blind Partners Slow Dance at the Barn. 11 p.m. Chan will try "new" material on unsuspecting victims.

Sunday Morning: 3 a.m. Noel wakes up to find Lennon staring at him while he is sleeping.